He was never ours...

I'll never forget the moment our first foster child entered our lives. He was a tiny 2 day old soul being swallowed whole by the giant car seat he was strapped in. The moment the investigator sat the car seat down on our couch and I took my first peek inside at his less than 7 pound self, and you could think of a million things that would pop in my head. 

"Ohhhh, he is precious, I love him! Can I keep him forever?"


“He isn’t our baby.” 

Wait, what? Where did those come from? Of course he isn't ours, but he will be. I buried them deep inside. This tiny being was so sweet and innocent and I cared for him in that motherly way, but he wasn’t mine. The moments I met his sweet and troubled soul mama, he wasn’t mine. The moments we realized that visitations were likely over and we were practically left alone as a family of 6, I still knew he wasn’t mine. I imagined him staying with us forever, signing him up for Kindergarten and t-ball. I imagined explaining to him adoption and all about his beautiful biological mother... but I always caught myself thinking while snapping his picture, "I need to get this printed for his life book for when he moves on."

Because he simply isn't mine.

He thrived. Y’all I mean, he THRIVED. He gained weight, slept well, smiled, cooed, rolled over and laughed so much. He wrapped me and the boys around his finger. It was not a hard place to be. Gosh, I love him so.

But he isn’t mine. 

We talked adoption often, Bj and I. We are a foster only home, meaning we have no plans to adopt. However, we know to never say never. Our plan is not our plan, it’s His plan and we trust that. 

That’s why I thought it would be fairly easy to officially say no when adoption was brought up by our caseworker. I feel it in my soul, he isn’t mine. He isn’t ours. We are simply caring for his every need, holding him when he is sick, needs cuddles, feeding him and responding to his cries and fusses.... for his forever mama and daddy. Because they are out there, waiting for their baby, and I can not wait to hand him over, with tears in my eyes, and say “y’all lucked up. He is perfect.” 

But y'all, it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy at all. It gutted me. 

January 16th, 2018, I officially told our caseworker that no, we did not intend to adopt him. I barely hung the phone up before I sobbed like a baby. I could barely get the words out to BJ. I couldn't bear to say them again. 

The seriousness of the decisions we are making regarding another humans life, one that I did not birth, is not lost on us. The tragedy of this matter, is not lost on us. The weight of this decision, is not lost on us. 

You read about making these decisions, you hear other people’s experiences and you think you know how it will feel. But please, allow me to reassure you, you do not know how it’ll feel. You are not aware of that wave of emotion that comes over you and the bit that spills out when you speak it out loud. The realness of the moment and the decision that you just made, for your family and for this tiny human. You know it to be right, you know it to be true. I feel with every fiber of my being, he was never meant to stay with us forever, but it doesn’t make the decision any easier. 

Foster care is not something to take lightly. It’s not something you can tame or control. It’s messy yet beautiful. It’s happy yet sad. It’s an emotional roller coaster. It’s, foster care. 

Disclaimer: With foster care, nothing is set in stone until it is. Meaning, just because adoption is mentioned in our babys case does not mean that he will not be reunified or placed with a family member. It means that all options are being explored and all contacts are being made, because its that time. With foster care, a simple decision can take months to execute. He could be with us for only 2 more weeks or 4 more months. With foster care, you never know until you do. Its, foster care. 

Thank you for reading, friend!
~Mika Beggs