Man, foster care is hard.

I say this every time but it's very hard for me to talk about foster care, especially on social media. I never want to upset anyone or give more information than I should. I am sure someone is always reading and I am awaiting that slap on the wrist phone call. However, I do my best so I can give y'all a window into our journey of foster care. I wanted to document this.

I received a phone call from our caseworker today. The 2 month mark of baby Simba being apart of out family, around the same moment in time that I received the phone call. What she said made my heart drop.
"Good morning Mika!"
"Hello Mrs. {Caseworker}!"
"I just wanted to call and let you know that we have located family for {baby Simba}. Of course, its nothing definite but just wanted you to be aware."
Heart. Pit of stomach.
 This is great news! Isn't it? It is, yes, yes. It is. Great news for baby Simba! YAY!
But what about me?
Wait, it isn't about me. Its about him. Yes. That's right, its about him. That could be so wonderful for him.
But what about us?

The number one goal in foster care is reunification with the birth parents. Until that happens the children will stay in foster care at a foster home until reunification or a family member steps in and is able to care for the child to either foster or adopt them, if needed. Family with blood family is always best. Well, most of the time, but you know what I mean. This is all great news. It really is, but I realized something today... I expected him to stay with us. Maybe not forever, but I expected him to stay here. He is mine. But he isn't.

I knew the chances of handing him over to bio parents or an adoptive home was great, but I hadn't allowed myself to think about it. In my mind, I had at least a year. A whole 12 months before I had to open that compartment and deal with those emotions. And I still may, but its very possible that I may not. You know us women, we always have those tabs open and waiting for when its time to pull it out the one needed (If it already out bouncing around in all our hot mess glory).

Man. Foster care is hard.

We went into foster care because it was a strong calling. We wanted to help. We are able to help. The number one reason why people say they could never foster is because they could never give them back. I understand that. I really, really do. Not everyone can or wants to foster and that is 100% okay. However, to that statement above I say... I don't want to give him back. Handing him back over to his birth mother or adoptive family is going to hurt like a mother. But I can handle it. We can handle it. We can shoulder that burden, for him. He would have been in foster care whether we fostered or not, I am just so thankful we were his for now family. I am thankful I got to love on him, bond with him, nurture him, respond to his cries and more. I am thankful for him being apart of our family, for now or for always. He will forever be apart of our greatest adventure.

Thank you for reading, friend!
~Mika Beggs