My Fertiliy (and lack there of) Story

"Start at the beginning and when you come to the end, stop." 
Mad Hatter and March Hare, Alice in Wonderland

Fertility Issues

The first time I ever got a positive pregnancy test (May 2004) I was 19 years old and had been dating (my now husband) for 3 months. I had never really thought about having children really so it was a shock. It was fairly early in the pregnancy, probably right about 4 weeks. A few days later, I miscarried. I hadnt even had the first appt yet so it could have been a chemical pregnancy, who knows. It sucked either way because who would have thought that something I never really had or thought about having could have meaned so much to me? It made me think things that I really had not thought about in my life.

The second positive pregnancy test came about a year and a half later (Dec 2005). 9ish months later, Ayden was born. :) July 13th 2006.

And here is were my heartbreak begins…

When Ayden turned 3 I decided I wanted to try for one more. After getting Bj on board and jumping a few personal hurdles we started trying to conceive another in November 2010. I remember that first cycle just knowing I would be pregnant and when I started my period that next month, I was so upset. Little did I know that was the beginning of my TTC Journey.

I got an early positive pregnany test on January 2nd, 2011. I was SO excited. I bet you could imagine. I remember calling BJ and telling him IM SO PREGNANT! I joined one of the online forums for expecting in Sept (15th) 2011 (remember this date) I was over the moon. I remember craving breakfast food, pancakes specifically. For some reason, I can't remember why, I started checking my HCG level. I work in a Drs office so it was very easy for me to do this. The first number were nice and high. The second number, not so much. It had dropped. I remember sitting at my desk starring at that number willing and begging it to change, to be a lab error. It wasn't. I honestly don't think it crossed my mind that this would/could happen to me, again. I had to prepare myself for another miscarriage. I started bleeding that next day and it went on for 11 days. I remember crying to my husband asking why could it just stop so we could move on. I needed to move on. I remember one night having pain in the lower left part of my pelvic region, feeling a POP and actually peeing blood. I called the GYNs office and left a message of what I had just experienced. They didn't call back. The next morning at work I had gotten my HCG number back from the previous day (We had checked them because we were waiting for them to go down since I had been miscarrying for 11 days) The numbers had actually gone UP. I bet you could imagine that I freaked. I had thought of everything from lab error, to What if it was twins and I just miscarried one and I still have one in there? I called the OB office telling them what had happened with the pop feeling, still bleeding and the increase in my numbers. They had me come in for an ultrasound to check things out thats when we found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy and the left tube had ruptured (Remember the POP?) and I had to go into surgery to have it removed, right then. I actually talked them into letting me come back the next morning to have it done bc "I need to go home, my son has school tomorrow and I have to make dinner" Haha, yup, thats me.

An ectopic pregnancy occurs when a fertilized egg implants itself outside of the uterus. Ectopic pregnancies usually occur in a fallopian tube (called atubal pregnancy). Occasionally, the egg may lodge itself in the ovary, and more rarely, in the cervical canal or the abdominal or pelvic cavities. The fertilized egg doesn't usually grow into a recognizable embryo and can't be transplanted into the uterus.
In a normal pregnancy, the egg is fertilized in the fallopian tube. Little hairs in the fallopian tube move the egg down to the uterus, where it implants itself. If there's scar tissue in the fallopian tube, or it's blocked for some other reason, the fetus will begin to grow outside of the uterus. A woman who has an ectopic pregnancy must have the pregnancy removed because the fetus can't develop properly outside of the uterus and it is dangerous to the woman's health.
Although they're becoming more common in recent years, ectopic pregnancies are generally rare. About 2% of pregnant women will have an ectopic pregnancy.

Nine months later, we got our 4th positive pregnancy test. I was not as excited this time because I was nervous and the memory of the last positive was still fresh in my mind. I begged the OB office to let me come in to have an ultrasound just to make sure it was in the right place and was not ectopic. They kindly obliged and even though we didnt have a heartbeat yet because it was still early (About 5 weeks along) we saw the sac so I was able to breath a little easier. A few days later I started to have severe pain in my side. Im not saying I am super woman, but I feel as though I have a pretty decent pain tolerance, but that crap hurt. I was diagnosed with having a kidney stone. I had never had one before and to this date, havnt had another. It was never proven and the OB even thought it was just miscarriage pain, but I eventually started bleeding and went through my 3rd miscarriage.. on Sept 15th 2011. (Remember that date? Irony much?)

So at this point, we had went through 3 miscarriage, all before our 6 week mark. I am thankful that I was not further along than that because those 3 early miscarriage plus the TTC journey that we have been through has just about made me crazy. I can NOT imagine any further along or the tragedy of a stillborn. My heart absolutely breaks for anyone who has experienced that. I honestly believe that would put me in a looney bin for sure.

We continued to try naturally for a few more months. I decided in June 2012 that I would go see a new OB-GYN and talk to them about fertility treatments. We knew we didn't want to try anything to evasive but wanted to see our options. After a regular work up and some blood work we found out that I was not ovulating. My cycles were always 28 days, to the day, but I was not ovulating. We started Clomid that next cycle.
 Clomid (clomiphene) is a non-steroidal fertility medicine. It causes the pituitary gland to release hormones needed to stimulate ovulation (the release of an egg from the ovary).
Clomid is used to cause ovulation in women with certainmedical conditions (such as polycystic ovary syndrome) that prevent naturally occurring ovulation.
My Directions were to start Clomid 50mg on day 5 of my cycle through day 10. To have sex every other day from day 10 to day 20. I was to have my progesterone level checked at day 22 (or somewhere around there) and it would tell me if I ovulated. Normal range of Progesterone level after ovulation was over 10. Mine, that first cycle, was .08. Yup, crap. We increased to 100mg for the next 2 cycles, nothing. I ended up agreeing to having a Hysterosalpingogram performed to make sure that something was not wrong with the remaining tube, Mr Righty. The Dr also said that if there is "sluge" in there sometimes that will help push it out and clear the way. I am glad I had that done but it was NOT a comfortable procedure. 
hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uteruscamera.gif and fallopian tubes and the area around them. It often is done for women who are having a hard time becoming pregnant(infertile).
During a hysterosalpingogram, a dye (contrast material) is put through a thin tube that is put through the vagina and into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are hooked together, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using a steady beam of X-ray (fluoroscopy) as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes. The pictures can show problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes, or a blockage that would prevent an egg moving through a fallopian tube to the uterus. A blockage also could prevent sperm from moving into a fallopian tube and joining (fertilizing) an egg. A hysterosalpingogram also may find problems on the inside of the uterus that prevent a fertilized egg from attaching (implanting) to the uterine wall.
THAT, was not fun. However, it came back fine so we went back to the clomid. I took it for the full 6 cycles that is allowed. When my last cycle failed, we chose to give up. That was the hardest decision I had ever made. I knew that I could not continue to do this to myself and my family. I am an emotional person and this was breaking my heart every single month and effecting my daily mood long term.

Things NOT to say to someone suffering from secondary infertility

So, I went and bought a jeep. A brand new 2013, black 4 door, hard top Jeep Wrangler. Yep, she was pretty. I was still having a hard time with the decision made but I knew I had no other choice. I had my good days and my bad days but I just kept trying to look at the positives and take it day by day.

If your reading this you probably came from my Instagram so you know what happened next. In February of 2013, we found out we were pregnant with Ramsey. I couldn't believe it. We had not being trying, obviously, but damn if I wasn't pregnant. I was a nervous wreck those first 2 weeks until I went past the 6 week mark because I knew that was a personal hurdle. 9 months later we had a beautiful baby boy that we named Ramsey Delano. He was my "one more".

 We barely made it out of the hospital before I told my husband, "Babe, one more?!" You can imagine the look I got.
And to current events.... After talking, pleading and reasoning with my husband, he agreed to "one more". I assumed that the old saying of being fertile after having a baby would be true for me. My cycles started back, like clockwork, on Ramseys first birthday this past October. (Period stayed away for a whole year because we breastfed and are pretty dang good at it :) A post about that soon!)
If you havnt made the assumption yet, I'll spell it out for you. Apparently… Stress DOES effect your body. {insert eye roll} Who would have known?! I had plenty of people tell me during my TTC journey to calm down, it will happen. Don't "try". Okay, seriously…. Think about that… I will "try" not to think about "trying" to have another baby. *Hopefully* I can trick my body into thinking that I don't care if I get pregnant or not. Nope, that doesn't work. You literally have to work it out in your mind, come to terms with it any way to can, anyway that makes sense to you. That is what I am currently trying to do. 
"You're just trying too hard."
"You're too stressed. Just relax and it will happen."
"You've got to calm down and let nature take its course."
If you've been trying six months or more to get pregnant, you've probably lost count of the number of times well-meaning friends and family offered this or similar advice.
Though the idea that "trying too hard" was once a popular notion, dramatic advances in infertility treatments -- particularly in the past decade -- all but did away with that idea.
Now, however, the wheel has turned yet again, and doctors are once more looking to the idea that stress -- and sometimes "trying too hard" -- may actually play a role in up to 30% of all infertility problems.

Jan/Feb 2015
This past week has been hell. I had the flu right around my fertile period and assumed I would be out this month. I even mentally prepared myself for that, for about a day. I started to have symptoms that are not normal for my PMS list… (food aversions and breast sore) So I started to think.. maybe. just maybe.. I started taking pregnancy test (I have a million, thanks amazon!) about 4-5 days before my missed period, all negative. I was suppose to start on Monday (Feb 2) and that came and went, no period. Pregnancy test still negative. I consulted my regular Doc and explained that my cycles are 28 days, to the day, and that I havnt started and pregnancy test are negative. (First he said that I was "weird because usually cycles give or take a day or two" so I said "Your face is weird, my cycles are always 28 days." He then replied "bite me." Yes, my boss/regular Dr is awesome) Anywho, we drew an HCG level to make sure and he told me if its negative, I'm not pregnant. No false negatives here. So as I go into work this morning, pull up my computer and select my name, it read negative. My heart broke a little more. I think I went through all stages of grieving, again, like I have on so many other occasions. I feel like my body is against me or that some higher being is showing me who really is in control. Not me. 
5 Stages of Loss and Grieving, in case you were interested. 
  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

I am currently trying to reset my mind, think positive thoughts and "just let it go". I know, without a doubt, that me stressing over it like I have will do absolutely no good, at all. I am very thankful for my beautiful boys. They have both been such a joy and blessing in our lives. I have learned so much about myself and life in general since having them and for that experience, I am so very grateful. I am not sure if every woman goes through this but I have heard and read "My family is complete" so many times. That is wonderful and I am so happy for them. I do not feel that way and adding the last and final piece to our family puzzle is out of my control. Nobody likes not having control about aspects of their life. I do believe things happen for a reason, though we may not know that reason. I do take comfort in that thought and if it is meant to be it will be. So here I am, learning to let things go, once again.

If you made it all the way through, thank you. I think writing this down and putting it out there has helped begin the healing process. Thank you for reading.
P.S. Maybe I should trade the mom van in for a mercedes!? (Who can afford that!?)

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~Mika Beggs

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~Jordan~ said...

I love you Mika Lynn!! Xoxo

brandy sheriff said...

Thank you for sharing this. I feel as if I have reconnected with you on a level we once shared as friends. Lots of "positive" vibes sent for you and your beautiful family.

Mika Beggs said...

And you know I love you!

Mika Beggs said...

and thank you for reading. I said this to someone earlier, it was oddly theraputic to get that all out there. Did you struggle? Thank you so much for the positive vibes, they are much appreciates :)

brandy sheriff said...

It took us about 8 or 9 months of trying, but I feel very fortunate as our first positive was Nolan. We are also wanting another, but find ourselves struggling with timing (work stuff for my husband). Hopefully before the end of Summer we will be back to actively trying. Keep us posted and I will certainly continue to follow your journey and keep up the prayers and positive thoughts.

Mika Beggs said...

Well that is exciting news and good luck! Keep me posted as well, Ill send all the baby dust and positive vibes I can spare your way :)